Breaking Format, but for a good reason

I am going to break format of my blog for this one post. Although I love the NFL, It has always been a dream of mine to write and produce a short web series. For my capstone project I plan to create an interactive web page for a web show I have been writing for years with a couple of close friends. The goal is to produce, direct, and edit about 3-4 "webisodes" of our original web series entitled "Perfect Men". 

Bellow is an example of a script for one of the episodes. I'm not expecting many people to get it right away. Writing for comedy is incredibly difficult to do. What one thinks is funny can be stupid to hundreds. Yet, this is our attempt. I would actually love some honest feedback on this script. Please take a look...enjoy!

ESTABLISHING SHOT OF DINNER

CUT TO 4 SITTING TOGETHER AT DINER BOOTH

ERIC, STEVE. KEVIN HAVE HANDS OVER THEIR FACE IN DIGUST

GREG IS HOLDING HIS COFFEE IN HIS HAND

Greg

What's the problem

Eric

Greg, this is the third date in a row that you have ruined for me...with a ladder!

Greg

I don't see why you are complaining! You said you were in the middle of a project. Plus. I rented this ladder from sears hardware on a home equity line of credit and I figured getting to your room the quickest way was in a straight line. Hence, why i used the ladder.

Kevin

You don't have a home, how do you have a line of credit?

Greg

Ask the government

Steve

Whatever the case, Greg, this is becoming a habit. We spend money on rent so that we can pretend to have semi-nice places to take girls home to and the property value goes down every time you arrive to "Help Out"!

Eric

Yea, and Crap! this reminds me that i'm behind on my rent!

Greg

I don't understand why you don't just live at home like I do. All the free bananas you can eat. "I am Potassium incarnate!"

Kevin

Why don't you just ask for a raise at your job

Steve

Where are you working now anyway

Eric

I've been doing some part-time work over at the day care center

CUT TO ERIC GETTING HIT BY LITTLE KIDS WITH BASEBALL BATS

Steve

Where were you before that. I thought you worked at a coffee house

Eric

I did until I caffeinated the Kiddy Cappuccino.

CUT TO ERIC BEING BEATEN BY LITTLE KIDS WITH BATS IN COFEE SHOP

Kevin

You need to get a job where there aren't any kids. Why not here...i mean we are here all the time?...Hey Jose

Jose

yea!

Kevin

Any chance you guys are hiring?

Jose

Whose asking?

Eric

Well, i'm trying to look for a new job. I need some extra pay to make rent

Jose

you got Breast's?

Eric

we'll no...

Jose

then were not hiring are we! Tough break, if you had breast's no problem, but this is a showman's business. You should try at the milk mart.

Greg

[cuts off jose]

I LOVE THE MILK MART..I'M THERE ALL THE TIME!

Kevin

what the hell do you have to do at the milk mart?

Greg

Buy Milk...I"M THE CALCIUM CHAMPION!!

Steve

well apply, you cant lose..

Greg

I don't understand why you spend all this money in rent to impress girls. You should do what I do, just have sex with girls in your car.

Eric

The thought of you doing anything sexual in your car makes my stomach turn, especially since you drive every Saturday.

Kevin

Have you no shame! don't you care that people can see you

Greg

no no no.. i go where no one ever goes, besides i have mirrored windows so it's impossible to see inside.

Steve

Greg, those only work during daytime, at night you can see everything

Greg

No No No, trust me, as a man who has had sex at least 3 and a half times in a car, i know what I'm talking about. My windows are like my cars condom.

Eric:

Gross. But you know what? children don't hang out at the milk mart...I think i'll apply. Can you give me a lift tomorrow Kev?

*fades to Eric walking over to the milk mart, with Kev's car in the background*

Manager:

You know what, you're the most qualified applicant i've ever received. You have an impeccable beard.

Eric:

why thank you sir, it's my pride and joy

Manager:

you look just like a dairy farmer. You got the job. Let me walk you out...Milkman.

*eric and the manager walk out of the store*

Manager:

So, we'll see you at the opening shift tomorrow morning!

Eric:

Thank you so much for this opportunity sir,

*sounds of Greg over run, Eric's closing sentance, eric looks over at the car moving in the background and see's Greg humping nothing in his car.*

Manager:

OH SWEET NONFAT DAIRY

Eric:

NO!

*greg uncomfortably humping something in his car, Eric looks sick and proceeds to puke all over himself and the milk mart.*

Manager:

Oh...oh that is not pasteurized....we can't allow any of our employees at Milk mart to throw up all over the building...I'm sorry but you're just not Milk Mart Material....

*kevin pulls up*

Kevin:

Didja get the job? Oh, greg's here. *HONK HONK*

*eric looks at kevin*

[end]